Unnecessary Analogies, Porn References, and Dick Jokes Edition

The Book of Basketball
by Bill Simmons

There is only one word I can use to properly describe The Book of Basketball, the latest book from ESPN’s The Sports Guy (Bill Simmons): maddening.

His maddening use of long-winded metaphors (David Robinson is like a maître d’ at a really fancy, upscale restaurant who happens to really nice, even though there’s a part of us that respects mean maître d’s more than we do nice ones).^[1] His maddening use of plural first person style of writing. (We’ll always remember Rick Barry being a dick. We’ll always remember how Bob Petit shouldn’t have won the ’59 MVP. Actually, I won’t remember those things. Sorry.) His maddening inconsistency when it comes to his five chapter section on the 96 greatest players in the history of the NBA (the worst: the piece on Vince Carter that was nothing more than an excuse to rip on the guy;^[2] the best: the piece on Elgin Baylor, which was posted in its entirety on espn.com when Baylor was fired from the Clippers^[3]). His maddening inability to write things in a larger, objective context: like when he acts genuinely dumbfounded as to why the NBA went so long without a TV contract. Five words for you Bill: college football, pro football, baseball. The NFL did not receive a truly lucrative TV contract until the ’70′s, how could anyone possibly wonder why the NBA did not receive one until later—a sport that has never been more popular than the NFL for any stretch of time? Finally, his maddening (and transparent) ability to constantly wink at the reader.

What I mean is: Bill Simmons, at times, goes out of his way to show you that this book was written by The Real Bill Simmons and not The Edited, ESPN Friendly Bill Simmons. And, apparently, this means that The Real Bill Simmons likes dick jokes and porn references/jokes.

None of this should really be shocking (“A sports writer who likes porn jokes? Next you’ll tell me that politicians lie.”) but it seems as though Simmons is desperately craving an image that he thinks will come across as real, but seems forced. Maybe it’s just me but I got too much of a “look at me, I’m swearing and talking about tits!” vibe throughout the book. Which is to say that some of the book comes across as immature and overly subjective.^[4]

On the whole, The Book of Basketball is recommended reading for anyone who is a fan of the NBA. While I found a few parts of it to be tiresome, inconsistent, and unnecessary I think this has more to do with the fact that I’ve been reading Simmons’ writing since he first landed on the Page 2 section on espn.com. And maybe that’s the overall point I’m trying to make here: if you’ve only recently started reading The Sports Guy this book will probably hit you in all the right places; otherwise, you can kinda see some of the jokes and analysis coming a mile away.

Or, to put it another way (and to borrow a page from Simmons on how to write a long-winded analogy): Bill Simmons is like a comedian that you’ve been following since they came up and you know all of their tells and rhythms and bits so that when you see them live fifteen years later you feel disappointed when they re-hash their old jokes.

Especially jokes about Teen Wolf.

[1] I made this one up, but it seems like it would have fit perfectly in the book.

[2] Look, I agree with ripping on Vince Carter. I thought he was overrated when he played at UNC, and he’s a notoriously soft player (though I think the media giving him shit for attending his graduation—the audacity!—on the same day as a Game 7 kinda permanently messed him up). But don’t put him on a list of greatest NBA players then bash the guy. It’s bad writing and it comes off as petulant.

[3] His pieces on Scottie Pippen and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar were terrific too.

[4] Don’t get me wrong: I love me some immature and overly subjective opinions and humor. But it needs to be en-ter-tain-ing. Some of Simmons’ jokes and subjectivity can be groan-inducing. (Like when he wrote that Moses Malone was the Marilyn Chambers of rebounding: he was insatiable.)